The other half
Rabbis’ Wives: Then and Now
By Shuly Rubin Schwartz
Lilith
Winter 2005
I have no idea what Rabbi’s wives do (or do not) do. I have no experience with them. However, I do have experience with the wives of various Christian leaders and the secretaries of Catholic Priests (many of whom follow their employer from one congregation to the next).
I’ve heard people talk about the roles women play in many scenarios where the husband is in power, or the leader, or the holder of religious/spiritual…whatever…and she’s brought along for the ride.
I’ve wondered about such things as I’ve watched women present themselves as the wife of the Boss, the Owner, the CEO, the Sergeant, the Politician, the Professor, and the Athlete. And, I myself have been the wife of a man with a high profile job who went to a good number of events she had no interest in because he needed ‘the wife’ (a title we occasionally, jokingly, tossed around) to be there.
It’s a role, just like any other role, and it has its duties and it’s expectations because history and society and the necessities of the particular relationship in question have placed them there. Call me complacent, but I have no strong feelings about the nature of any of these roles, one way or another.
At least, not when the roles are chosen. Actions between consenting adults are their business, not mine. What they choose is what they choose and bless them on their road ahead.
What annoys me is when there are no other options and creating them requires a massive amount of effort, energy, time, and negotiating. But, things that have been created over time are not going to be changed over night, and roles caste in the expectations of society (like ‘the wife’) are not a recent fad-like development in this country or the world.
While I find no reason to be offended by it, also find no reason to accept it as inevitable or the only option. However, I am no longer married (and he is no longer in a high profile job), and my time as ‘the wife’ was spent resenting the role instead of using it or changing it. Granted, I was young and idealistic and less than happy about living where I was living, but I occasionally look back and regret not having the wherewithal to recognize the position I was in and what that really meant (or could mean).
By the same token, I learned from the experience that I am not suited the role of ‘the wife’ at all. It’s not something my personality is going to settle into without loud and angry complaint, so it’s something I will not do again. I’m not unique in this – most people don’t realize how ill suited they are to something until they try it.
Which is what brings me to the one thing that I have always felt-thought about the role of ‘the wife’ – it’s a job. There are things that need to be done, details that need to be handled, people who need to be appeased, situations that need to be organized, and things that have to be addressed by more than one person whenever a position of leadership or power or prestige is being filled. Traditionally this role has been filled by ‘the wife’ because it made the most sense – she’s there, she’s going to be involved in some way (regardless), she already focuses on the things all women/wives focus on in the society in which she lives…it’s something that is/was simply practical when you stop to think about it.
But, that does not mean it’s the only logical possibility. It also does not mean that it’s suited to our current society. If a person is in a position that requires (for whatever reason) showing up to various events with a person on his/her arm (or as a companion of any sort) who will effectively navigate the crowd and the culture and the conversation and the event for whatever reason, then why not hire the position out? People talk disparagingly of escorts because of their association with prostitution, but what about the reality of finding a personality who handles a social situation in a manner that is needed? The person could be male, female, bilingual, smooth, cool, bubbly, sweet, intelligent, streetwise, blunt, argumentative – it could be anything that the event needs and the needs could change from one event to the next, which means the person hired could (logically) change from one event to the next.
Organizing, entertaining, and managing a crowd are talents and skills, and they do not (necessarily) have to be handled by the same person at every event.
Cooking, cleaning, and organizing the physical details of an event or a home are also talents and skills that do not have to be handled by one person, or the same person, at any given time.
Caring for children – same thing.
There’s a lot of talk out there about people taking on the roles most suited to them, instead of assigning roles based on gender, marital status, race, class, and whatever else people might be in the habit of using. What this article got me to thinking about was the reality involved in taking that concept and transforming it from talk into action.
It’s more logical, realistic, and possible than we might think – and the change will occur when we stop theorizing about the possibility and start passing the work around.
By Shuly Rubin Schwartz
Lilith
Winter 2005
I have no idea what Rabbi’s wives do (or do not) do. I have no experience with them. However, I do have experience with the wives of various Christian leaders and the secretaries of Catholic Priests (many of whom follow their employer from one congregation to the next).
I’ve heard people talk about the roles women play in many scenarios where the husband is in power, or the leader, or the holder of religious/spiritual…whatever…and she’s brought along for the ride.
I’ve wondered about such things as I’ve watched women present themselves as the wife of the Boss, the Owner, the CEO, the Sergeant, the Politician, the Professor, and the Athlete. And, I myself have been the wife of a man with a high profile job who went to a good number of events she had no interest in because he needed ‘the wife’ (a title we occasionally, jokingly, tossed around) to be there.
It’s a role, just like any other role, and it has its duties and it’s expectations because history and society and the necessities of the particular relationship in question have placed them there. Call me complacent, but I have no strong feelings about the nature of any of these roles, one way or another.
At least, not when the roles are chosen. Actions between consenting adults are their business, not mine. What they choose is what they choose and bless them on their road ahead.
What annoys me is when there are no other options and creating them requires a massive amount of effort, energy, time, and negotiating. But, things that have been created over time are not going to be changed over night, and roles caste in the expectations of society (like ‘the wife’) are not a recent fad-like development in this country or the world.
While I find no reason to be offended by it, also find no reason to accept it as inevitable or the only option. However, I am no longer married (and he is no longer in a high profile job), and my time as ‘the wife’ was spent resenting the role instead of using it or changing it. Granted, I was young and idealistic and less than happy about living where I was living, but I occasionally look back and regret not having the wherewithal to recognize the position I was in and what that really meant (or could mean).
By the same token, I learned from the experience that I am not suited the role of ‘the wife’ at all. It’s not something my personality is going to settle into without loud and angry complaint, so it’s something I will not do again. I’m not unique in this – most people don’t realize how ill suited they are to something until they try it.
Which is what brings me to the one thing that I have always felt-thought about the role of ‘the wife’ – it’s a job. There are things that need to be done, details that need to be handled, people who need to be appeased, situations that need to be organized, and things that have to be addressed by more than one person whenever a position of leadership or power or prestige is being filled. Traditionally this role has been filled by ‘the wife’ because it made the most sense – she’s there, she’s going to be involved in some way (regardless), she already focuses on the things all women/wives focus on in the society in which she lives…it’s something that is/was simply practical when you stop to think about it.
But, that does not mean it’s the only logical possibility. It also does not mean that it’s suited to our current society. If a person is in a position that requires (for whatever reason) showing up to various events with a person on his/her arm (or as a companion of any sort) who will effectively navigate the crowd and the culture and the conversation and the event for whatever reason, then why not hire the position out? People talk disparagingly of escorts because of their association with prostitution, but what about the reality of finding a personality who handles a social situation in a manner that is needed? The person could be male, female, bilingual, smooth, cool, bubbly, sweet, intelligent, streetwise, blunt, argumentative – it could be anything that the event needs and the needs could change from one event to the next, which means the person hired could (logically) change from one event to the next.
Organizing, entertaining, and managing a crowd are talents and skills, and they do not (necessarily) have to be handled by the same person at every event.
Cooking, cleaning, and organizing the physical details of an event or a home are also talents and skills that do not have to be handled by one person, or the same person, at any given time.
Caring for children – same thing.
There’s a lot of talk out there about people taking on the roles most suited to them, instead of assigning roles based on gender, marital status, race, class, and whatever else people might be in the habit of using. What this article got me to thinking about was the reality involved in taking that concept and transforming it from talk into action.
It’s more logical, realistic, and possible than we might think – and the change will occur when we stop theorizing about the possibility and start passing the work around.
posted by A at 7:32 AM
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